Some things from the Unnatural Inquirer...


      ***  New floppy disk outperforms most hard disks  ***
 
This week MEGO Industries Massive Storage Division unveiled a new
floppy disk drive that features data transfer rates superior to
those of most hard disk drives.  Called the MegaFlop-1000, it will
soon be available for most personal computers.
 
Hoyst Petard, spokesperson for MEGO Industries, explains how this
technological marvel was accomplished:  "We wanted to create a floppy
disk drive that would combine transfer rates equal to or better than
the best PC hard disks with the convenience of removable media and
the low cost of floppy disks--and we succeeded.
 
"One of the reasons that hard disks offer transfer rates so much higher
than those of floppy disks is the much higher velocity of the media
surface passing the drive head.  Initially, we tried increasing the
rotational speed of the disks from 300 RPM to 3,000,000 RPM, but the
resulting force of 100,000,000 gravities at the edge of the media
surface proved too great for most 5-1/4" floppies, causing them to
break apart, ejecting bits of magnetic media out the drive slot at
speeds great enough to punch holes through walls and, in one case,
our neighbor's cat Mittens.
 
"Nonetheless, these experiments pointed us in the right
direction--since our only real limitation was the structural strength
of the disks and the radial force on the disk edge is proportional to
the square of the rotational velocity--but only to the first power of
the diameter--our initial difficulties and two quarts of tequila
convinced us that what we needed was a larger disk surface.  To get
the same performance that our earlier model provided, however briefly,
we determined that a disk diameter of approximately two kilometers
would be required, a size that provided us with ample room for placing
exponentially tapered steel reinforcement girders radially on the disk.
 
"Initial experiments produced results that were unequivocably so-so.
While the transfer rates did live up to our expectations, winds
exceeding 60,000 miles per hour blowing from any holes in the drive
housing entirely flattened two small towns and toppled five apartment
complexes.  Additionally, the steel reinforcement of the disk surface
increased the weight of each disk to 35,000 tons, so that carrying a
box of ten would strain the shoulder of all but the sturdiest of
secretaries.  Finally, and perhaps most critically, the steel
reinforcement girders caused the disks not to be floppy anymore, a
considerable defect where floppy disks are concerned.
 
"Eventually, however, we hit upon the perfect solution for all our
problems with the drive--instead of rotating the disk, we would move
the read/write head!  It was a simple matter to use a disk of ordinary
magnetic film and place the read/write head on a one-kilometer arm,
balanced by an arm of equal mass in the opposite direction.  Later,
we replaced the counterweight on the second arm with an additional
read/write head, thus doubling the effective transfer rate.  With
rotational speeds of only 300 RPM we achieved transfer rates in excess
of 2.5 Gigabits/sec and with standard floppy disk storage densities we
could store up to 100,000 gigabytes on a single, inexpensive disk.
Finnally, by increasing the quantity of lubricating oil used on the
worm-gear head positioning drive, we were even able to get the average
access time below fifteen minutes."
 
 
MEGO Industries Massive Storage Division has already begun production
of the MegaFlop-1000 and expects to begin shipping this quarter.  In
its standard configuration, the drive is powered by its own
plutonium-fired breeder reactor constructed directly on the controller
card, and, for PC users who aren't licensed for their own nuclear
reactor, coal-fired and geothermal models are also available.
 
 
   "At MEGO Industries, we're solving problems before they happen."
 
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode   (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


 
 
 
 Of course I never wanted to be a Lumberjack; I wanted to be a
                        
            * * *  P R O G R A M M E R  * * *
                      
 ...Writing line after line as they compile within the mighty CPU of the
 CRAY-1; the giant CDC 7600, the 370, the mighty 68040...with my slide
 rule in my side pocket...we'd sing...sing...sing....
                     
 Oh, I'm a programmer and I'm O.K.
 I work all night and I sleep all day
                    
 (chorus)  He's a programmer and he's O.K.
           He works all night and he sleeps all day
                      
 I type in code, I read my dumps, I take them to the lavatory,
 On Wednesdays I finish debugging and write thirteen lines of C
                     
 (chorus)  He types in code, he prints his dumps, he takes them to the
              lavatory,
           On Wednesdays he finishes debugging and writes thirteen lines
              of C
                    
           He's a programmer and he's O.K.
           He works all night and he sleeps all day
                    
 I type in code, I branch and jump, I bump the switch marked 'power'
 I write modules in COBOL that hang the server for hours.
                     
 (chorus)  He types in code, he branches and jumps, he bumps the switch
             marked 'power'
           He writes modules in COBOL that hang the server for hours!?!
             Yeecch!
                   
           He's a programmer and he's O.K.
           He works all night and he sleeps all day
                    
 I type in code, I spill tape reels, punchcards, and cola
 I wish I'd been an ME, just like my dear mama!
                    
 (chorus)  He types in code, he spills tape reels, punchcards,
              and...COLA!?!
           <various outraged and incoherent deprecatory mumblings>
                       
 (chorus)  He's a programmer and he's O.K.
           He works all night and he sleeps all day....
 
 
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------
 The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode   (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
 May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
 noncommercial basis provided that this notice remains intact.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

 
 
      Captain's personal log, stardate 96 and 44/100.  The past few
weeks seem like a dream to me, yet I can remember each moment just as
well as if I'd been fully in control of my own actions and not merely
the tool of some incomprehensibly alien race.  Doctor Crasher has
assured me that all traces of the mind controlling devices they put on
me have been removed, but I'm not sure I'm ready to trust myself yet;
can I be absolutely certain that I am entirely myself once again?
 
                             * * *
 
       Floorspace, the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the
startruck Enterkeys, its continuing mission:  to explore strange new
apartments, to seek out some lunch and new packing boxes, to boldly
move where no one has moved before....
 
                       S T A R   T R U C K
 
               T H E   G N U   G E N E R A T I O N
 
 
      In our last episode, Captain G'wann-Look Petard was rescued from
the Bork ship where the Borks had attached bizzare, vaguely
sideburn-like machines directly to his face, turning him into a Bork.
Fortunately, at the last moment, Doctor Bovinely Crasher discovered a
solvent for latex glue and the sideburns fell off just as Commander
Piker asked the Bork a question about voter registration in the South
and the Bork ship exploded.  You'll recall that the director managed to
create a sense that perhaps this was not all there was to the Bork saga
by having G'wann-Look Petard gaze wistfully out the observation port as
the message "THE END?" was flashed subtly on the screen a dozen or so
times.  We now join this week's episode, already in progress....
 
 
Dr. Crasher:  I'm a doctor, not an in-the-shell egg scrambler!
 
Iwanna Toy:   I sense in you a feeling that you've been reading the
              wrong script.  See?  Yours says right here at the top:
              "Star Truck XII, the Quest for Adequate Restroom
              Facilities."  Here, I'll let you borrow my script.
 
Dr. Crasher:  Thanks.  <quickly checks script>  Now, as I was saying,
              It's certainly a relief to have the captain back to
              normal.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go down
              to deck 114-B and beat my son.
 
              <Enter Captain>
 
Piker:        Captain!  Good to have you back in the front seat!
 
Petard:       Well, it's good to be back.  <Sudden flash of light not
              unlike a wad of flashpaper turning into carbon dioxide
              and potassium nitrite.>  Stack!
 
Stack:        Well, hello, G'wann-Look.  My, you're looking healthy.  I
              just stopped by to congratulate you on your recovery.
              You know, G'wann-Look, sometimes you surprise me:  I
              would have expected a mere mortal like yourself to still
              have bits of latex stuck to his face.  Oh, well; as long
              as I'm here, I think I'll use my limitless powers and
              intelligence to make all your toilets back up.
 
              <He vanishes with a similar flash.  In fact, it's the
              same flash because the special effects crew had only
              one wad of flash paper that big, but it still looks real
              good since nobody moved much during that exchange.  The
              ship automatically switches to red alert as fitful yet
              distinctly aquatic rumbling noises ensue, coinciding with
              the violent shaking of the camera and cast except for one
              yeoman in the back who seems to be worrying about how her
              tights are starting to ride up uncomfortably.>
 
Chevy LaFord: <on intercom>  Captain!  The toilets all over the ship
              are backing up!  We've used up every napkin on the ship
              and still the facilities in engineering are about to flow
              into the warp engines!  We'll be blown to atoms in ten
              minutes if we don't do something!
 
Petard:       Analysis, Info?
 
Info:         No mustard, Captain.
 
Petard:       Wrong script!  Wrong script!  Iwanna, give Info the
              correct script!
 
Iwanna Toy:   No can do, Captain; I already gave my script to Doctor
              Crasher.
 
Dr. Crasher:  <on intercom>  Captain!  Sickbay is overflowing in more
              ways than one!  So far I've got sixty crewmembers in here
              for minor injuries and at least twenty more missing,
              presumed flushed!
 
Lt. Woof:     I suggest that we blow up the toilets with phasers.
 
Iwanna Toy:   But that'll leave us without restroom facilities until we
              can get to the next starbase!
 
Lt. Woof:     With all due respect, Klingon ships don't have toilet
              facilities.  We find it helps the crew to learn to deal
              with situations more...expediently.
 
Weasley Crasher:  Captain Petard, why don't we reverse the tractor beam
              polarity and feed it directly through the dihydrolyzer
              circuits, modulating it with the chrysanthemum inductor
              that I just built?
 
Petard:       Ensign Crasher, need I remind you of what happened when
              we tried your last great idea, hooking up your port
              deflector idiomizer to the ship's main computer instead
              of replacing a fuse?  We had to restore the entire ship's
              database from floppies which took eight hundred ensigns
              most of two weeks.  Or how about last month when you
              released your genetically engineered yeast into the
              ship's food supply, giving the entire crew the runs for
              three weeks?  Or the time before that when....
 
Weasley:       I promise it'll work this time Captain.  Just watch.
 
              <Weasley Crasher performs the previously described
              operation; the lights dim, loud humming sounds are heard,
              every shampoo dispenser in the ship begins spewing out
              streams of pleasantly scented conditioner, a panel on the
              bridge erupts in sparks, flinging an extra to the floor,
              and the main viewscreen displays
 
                          "Cylinder 0000000, Head 00000"
 
              and begins counting rapidly upwards.>
 
Petard:       <Into intercom>  Bovinely Crasher to the bridge!  Get up
              here this minute and strangle your son!
 
Chevy LaFord: <on intercom again>  Captain!  The computer isn't
              responding to any of my commands, the toilets have washed
              away half our backup floppies, and the warp engines are
              going to explode in three and a half minutes!
 
Petard:       STACK!
 
Stack:        <Suddenly stepping out from behind a large prop>
              G'wann-Look, why so hot and bothered all of a sudden?  I
              thought you were prepared for anything.  Now if your
              ship's computer were just PC-compatible, you wouldn't be
              having nearly so much trouble.
 
Petard:       You got us into this, now use your omnipotence to get us
              out of this!
 
Stack:        Actually, Captain, at the moment, I'm not so much
              omnipotent as omnivorous.  Got an Oreo?
 
Piker:        <In a strangely calm voice>  Why, yes, as a matter of
              fact, we do.  <He reaches underneath Lt. Commander Info's
              console and pulls out a package of Oreos and hands them
              to Stack.>
 
Info:         Commander!  I'd been saving those since last month!
 
Stack:        Thank you, Piker.  <Starts munching on Oreos.>
 
Petard:       Stack, if you don't do something about those toilets, the
              ship is going to blow itself up in three minutes!
 
Info:         Two minutes, twenty-four seconds, Captain.
 
Petard:       Whatever.  We need to do something and do it fast!
 
Stack:        <suddenly stopping his munching in mid-cookie>
              G'wann-Look, I feel...strange....  <Stack drops the
              package of Oreos and rushes to a row of three identical
              doors marked "Men," "Women," and "Superior Beings," all
              of which have somewhat sinister-looking pools of liquid
              oozing out from beneath the doors.  He glances
              apprehensively at the overflow while hopping from foot to
              foot.>  Ok, Petard, but only because I'm such a nice guy.
              <Stack snaps his fingers and the pools vanish, the warp
              engines start making normal sounds again, the background
              music returns to a more normal volume, and Stack rushes
              into the third door at a speed as close to warp nine as
              any bipedal organism has ever managed on the bridge.>
 
LaFord:       <Still on intercom>  Captain!  The warp engines have
              returned to normal!  I don't know how it happened, but
              everything's OK now, except that there's a wiener in the
              warp drive!
 
Lt. Woof:     Captain, I still think we should blow up something.
 
Petard:       Tell you what, Woof, how about you head a security team
              to locate the missing crewmembers.
 
Weasley:      See, Captain, my mutant yeast saved the day after all.
 
              <A loud beep comes from the Captain's console and the
              main viewscreen displays "Format complete.  Do you wish
              to enter in bad track information?  (Y/N)">
 
Petard:       Thank you, Weasley.  Now, because of how much help you've
              been this episode, I've got a special job for you--clean
              off those floppies and start restoring the ship's
              database.
 
              <Camera backs out of bridge as if passing through the
              main viewscreen, still panning back as it displays the
              USS Enterkeys turning to the right against the same
              starfield as last week.  Just before the warp engines
              ignite and thrust the ship off the top-right corner of
              the screen, there is the distinctive sound of a
              'superior-being' style toilet being flushed, sounding
              pretty much like any other sort of toilet, only much more
              resonant and authoritative.>
 
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode   (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

    
          And don't miss:
    
                    I N D I A N A   J O N E S
    
                          A N D   T H E
    
                   T E M P L E   O F   D U N E
    
      There's no end to the excitement as Indiana Jones takes on all of
Arrakis with only a whip and a sneer.
   
   Watch:  Indiana battle a giant sandworm with just a whip!
    
   See:    Indiana Jones eaten by a giant sandworm!
    
   Experience:  The non-stop excitement of the closing credits only
                forty-five seconds after the beginning of the film.
    
Now showing at the Duckingham Square 5.  Showtimes 12:00 12:05 12:10 12:15....
 

